Last Lines of Chapter 4 + Chapter 5 (pt. 1)

He watched as the minutes beside his dad’s name kept ticking up. Last seen 2 minutes ago. Last seen 3 minutes ago. Last seen 4 minutes ago…when the count reached 24 minutes, Jack accepted that his dad had boarded another plane. There would be no surprise birthday party. “Nevermind,” Jack told the taxi driver, “just take me home.”

Jack did his best to explain the location of his house and then slumped in his seat as the taxi wound its way back across town.

Chapter 5

Akua was standing at the metal gate in front of Jack’s house when he pulled up in the taxi. She stopped knocking and stood silently, praying that Charles would open the gate quickly so she could disappear.

Jack walked up beside her. They stood side by side, both staring at the gate, avoiding eye contact, unsure how to behave in one another’s presence. Jack and Akua had been avoiding each other since Jack returned from his summer vacation in the United States a few months before. Neither were ready to talk about what had changed, but both understood the role they had played. The two had not exchanged a single word since their awkward reunion at the end of the summer. This moment did not feel like the right time to start chatting again.

Jack lifted his fist and pounded hard against the metal gate. Charles, the daytime watchman, had a knack for disappearing at inopportune moments. So they just stood there, staring at the gate like two strangers waiting for an elevator door to open. They stood there together, waiting, alone.


Comments

  1. JulietteMarch 15, 2018 at 10:55 PM

    This simile is perfect, Alex. "staring at the gate like two strangers waiting for an elevator door to open. " I am just enjoying your story I wish there was more. Looking forward to tomorrow's episode.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownMarch 16, 2018 at 12:23 AM

    Nice handling of organically emerging friendship.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Molly HoganMarch 16, 2018 at 1:54 AM

    I really liked your use of repetition in the first paragraph. It emphasized Jack's feeling of disappointment, and it hurts to imagine him waiting 24 long minutes. On the other hand, I can't wait to see how his and Akua's relationship develops. I've been wondering when their paths would cross!

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownMarch 16, 2018 at 3:32 AM

    Love this. Consider me hooked and now compelled to start at the beginning. For 15 entries behind though, I feel like I can easily hop into this story here. The descriptions are crisp and this Jack character I'm just meeting tonight, he's 3D straight away. This is good. Looking forward to more!

    ReplyDelete
  5. RajikinsMarch 18, 2018 at 9:15 AM

    In your narratives you have managed to capture the invisibles...emotions and thoughts that are common to all of us. Isn't it wonderful how fiction can do that? Unify people?

    ReplyDelete

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